


Through Thick and Thin

by KrisLetang



Series: Together We'll Survive [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Miscommunication, Romance, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:49:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28824759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Barba has been shy when it comes to intimacy, and Olivia doesn't understand why until they finally are forced to have a conversation about it so they can face his trauma together.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Series: Together We'll Survive [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159193
Comments: 13
Kudos: 61





	Through Thick and Thin

Rafael’s lips were soft against her own, and Liv’s body felt warm and tingly. He was a wonderful kisser, and his hands were warm and soft where they rested over her ribs. They were on the couch, and they had been watching a movie until she decided that an evening making out was much more alluring. Rafael had been slow to react, stiff and a little bit awkward at first. It certainly wasn’t the first time they’d kissed, but their relationship was still young and new, and they were taking things slowly. 

Liv cupped a hand to his cheek, urging him closer, but he pulled away, turning his attention back to the television. She sat there for a moment, feeling somewhat stunned. She knew he likely didn’t mean anything by it, but she hadn’t been expecting it and it stung a little. Was he more interested in the movie they were watching? She glanced at him again, noticing the slight tapping of his finger against his arm. 

They’d been on six dates, and he’d been over to her apartment at least three nights each week. He had dinner with them, helped with Noah’s homework, and sometimes even slept in her bed, but they hadn’t made it past some heated kissing. 

Something seemed off about him. She knew he’d been depressed and dealing with bouts of grief and guilt over Drew Householder and the loss of his job, but since his return into her life, he seemed more or less himself. Sometimes he slept half the day, and sometimes she needed to reassure him or hold him when he was having a hard time, but he still gave her the same silly smirks and sassed her constantly. 

He was more shy physically than she remembered. He’d always been tactile or at least more than open to her touches, but lately he’d been wanting his space. She tried to read his body language the best she could, but there were times, like the moment prior, when his moods seemed to change on a dime. 

Liv couldn’t believe they hadn’t slept together yet. After years of pining for each other, and after the loss she felt when he left, she never would have guessed they’d date for over a month without having sex. She wanted him, and it was getting to be more and more distracting. He was beautiful in a way that made her brain short circuit. She found herself staring at him when he made breakfast or did laundry. Sometimes, she watched him sleep, her breath stolen away by his soft face illuminated in the moonlight. 

She wondered if she wasn’t making her intentions clear enough. Every time they kissed and it began to get hot and heavy, he would stop it at a certain point, and they hadn’t really had a conversation about any of it yet. Not a serious one anyways. She wasn’t sure she believed that he was unaware of how she felt; he clearly felt somewhat uncomfortable, and that thought made her stomach twist in uncomfortable knots. Did he not want her? 

He pulled her from her thoughts, draping an arm over her shoulders and kissing her temple. “Hey,” he whispered, and she looked at him. “I love you.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

“I love you too,” she promised.

“I think I’m going to head home. I’m tired,” he murmured after a moment, and Liv grabbed his wrist as he rose to his feet. For a second, she saw a flicker of panic flash through his eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. She let go. 

“You can stay over,” she offered softly. 

“I slept here the last three nights,” he said, and he smiled, but it seemed shallow and half hearted. “I’ll come over tomorrow night.” 

“Text me when you make it home,” Liv said as he slipped his shoes on. She watched as he walked out the door, sighing softly. 

……………………………………

Liv blinked, slowly pulling herself from the fog of sleep. She felt Rafael’s warmth beside her. They were at his place for once, taking a night for themselves. Lucy was watching Noah for her. Rafael had made her dinner, and they had spent some time laying together on the couch. He was quiet but he held her closer, her fingers tracing over a bare patch of skin where her shirt rode up. 

He hadn’t pulled away when she kissed him a few times, but she didn’t push it. She was content to snuggle into his arms and enjoy their evening. Now, it was hours later, and they were in bed. She glanced at the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was the middle of the night. Olivia rolled towards his warm body, simply seeking his warmth, and he sighed softly in his sleep. Liv ran her hand down his side over his soft tee shirt. She slipped it under the hem, running her palm over his soft skin lightly. 

Her tired brain felt overwhelmed by how much she loved him. She had waited for him so long, been through so much with him at her side, and they’d finally found each other one last time. When he came home to her, things had been a bit rough at first. She had unresolved anger and he was depressed, but now things were getting better. They were working through that. He was better. He was less consumed by his guilt, but he still had a long way back to normal. He seemed like he was slowly turning the corner, and she wanted them to turn a corner and move forward as well. 

“Liv?” His voice was soft and heavy with sleep. He shifted slightly, turning toward her. “Why are you up?” 

“Sorry,” she murmured, kissing the side of his neck. “Just thinking about how much I love you.” 

“Mmm,” he hummed, closing his eyes. He rolled over to face her, his hand warm as he traced the curve of her hip. She kissed him, the sleepy warmth only adding to her arousal. He was giving just as good as he was getting, pressing closer to her for a moment and pulling her warm body flush against his own. Liv was treading lightly. She didn’t want to upset him, and it seemed like he might stay calm this time until he suddenly stopped. He stopped kissing her, rolling onto his back, and she didn’t push it. She laid her head on his chest instead, draping an arm over his stomach. 

“Maybe I should play hooky tomorrow,” she joked, waiting for a laugh. He didn’t say anything, just humming to acknowledge that he’d heard her voice. They both knew she wouldn’t. “Have you heard anything from Columbia?” she asked. He shook his head. 

“I’m tired,” he said. “And you have to go to work. We better sleep.” His voice was soft, and it concerned her all over again. He rolled onto his side, so she did the same, resting a hand on his hip. 

Liv was half asleep when she felt him shift on the bed, sitting up. She rolled over the other way. He was probably going to the bathroom. Then she shut her eyes, and let herself fall asleep. 

………………………………..

Rafael wasn’t in bed anymore. Liv sat up, grabbing for her phone. If they were at her apartment, she might have thought he snuck out in the morning. Sometimes he did that if he had things to get done. It drove her a little crazy, but she knew he didn’t mean anything by it. In this case though, they were at his apartment. He had nowhere to disappear off to, and it was too early for him to be up. 

She needed to get in the shower for work, but she wanted to find him first. She checked the bathroom and his office, but he wasn’t there, so she made her way to the kitchen. He hadn’t brewed any coffee yet which made her think he hadn’t been up since the middle of the night. She found him on the couch, curled up on his side with a quilt dragged down over top of him. 

It honestly felt like a punch to the gut. She didn’t have time to figure out what was going on, instead going to start his shower so she could get ready and go into the office. They would have to talk about it later. 

She finished getting ready, stopping by the couch on her way out the door. She kissed his forehead, and he blinked, stirring and giving her a sleepy smile. “See you later,” he mumbled. “Have a good day. Love you.” 

“I love you too. I’ll see you at my place for dinner,” she said. She kissed his temple before leaving, her stomach in knots. 

…………………………….

Liv was just finishing dinner when she heard the door open and close. “Uncle Rafa!” Noah screeched.

“Hey, Noah,” he said softly. She heard Noah hounding him, but she didn’t have the heart to talk to him yet, so she stayed where she was, stirring the spaghetti sauce. 

“You’re just in time. I’m doing my spelling homework, and Mama is making spaghetti, and then we’re gonna watch a movie and eat ice cream! Are you gonna sleep over? Please, please, please? Eddie and I wanted to play Monopoly,” Noah said, talking a mile a minute. Liv glanced at them, seeing Noah dragging her boyfriend to the kitchen table by his hand. Rafael shot her an amused look, sitting down at the table with Noah. 

Liv poured herself a glass of wine. She had a headache, and her stomach was still all twisted up with anxiety and pain. She was hurt which deep down she knew likely wasn’t a fair reaction to him, but they needed to talk. She wanted to know what happened and if he was okay or not. She swallowed half of a glass of wine stirring the sauce one more time before turning to face Rafael and Noah. “Dinner is ready, boys,” she said. Rafael stood, smiling at her, and she smiled back. Liv helped Noah get a plate of food, and he went to the table, leaving her with Rafael for a moment. Rafael stepped into her space, kissing her softly. 

“I’m glad to see you,” he said. “How was work?” 

“It was okay,” she told him, rubbing a hand over his arm. “What happened last night?” He frowned. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, brows furrowed. 

“You slept on the couch. Why?” Liv pressed, pushing a stray hair off his forehead and back into place. He grimaced. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said. “Don’t take it personally, please. I just didn’t want to keep you awake while I was tossing and turning. It’s not your fault.” Liv breathed a sigh of relief. 

“You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?” she asked. “If you were unhappy?” 

He paused a moment, eyeing her. “Olivia, I love you,” he said. “Eventually, when I felt ready to talk about it, I would come to you, okay?” Liv kissed him one more time. 

“Alright. I love you too. Now let’s get some food. Sounds like it’s going to be a long night of Monopoly,” Liv said. 

He laughed. “I better feed myself for brain power. I don’t want to be outwitted by a stuffed elephant. That Eddie is slippery.” Liv laughed softly, already feeling a little bit better. 

…………………………

Liv was feeling incredibly frustrated, and she had no adequate outlet. She wasn’t sure how to proceed. She could be patient, but she needed to understand what was going on. She had no way to tell if he didn’t want to have sex or if he was waiting because he thought she wanted to, and each time she broached the subject vaguely, he hedged and changed the subject. 

She had brought up spending the weekend at a hotel just for them, and he had agreed, offering up a few date ideas. They had just finished dinner at a fancy restaurant, and they were going to see a show together and visit the Museum of Modern Art the next day. Liv knew he had some plans in the park for them, and she was happy to be spending time with him, but she thought maybe it would be the perfect time for them to take the next step in their physical relationship. She wanted to talk to him about it, but he seemed to be dense to what she was saying--that or he was avoiding it. 

He was out getting them some booze, and Liv was going to surprise him. She’d packed a lacy, burgundy set of lingerie in her bag, and she felt her stomach twisting up with anxiety, but she thought it would take his breath away. This was direct. He would know her intentions, and she would know how he wanted to proceed. 

She laid on the bed, waiting for him nervously. She wanted to believe everything he’d been saying to her. She wanted to believe that he loved her and that nothing was wrong. She wanted to believe that he really did want her even if he hadn’t shown it yet. 

She heard the door to the suite open. “Liv?” He called. 

“In here,” she replied, laying on her left side to face him as he entered the bedroom. He had a bottle of wine in one hand and his jacket in the other, and he stopped dead at the door, blinking at the sight of her laid out before him. His eyes were dark, and she thought for a second he was finally going to take her to bed, but an unreadable expression crossed his face, pain and anguish in his eyes as his body shook and he turned away from her. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, quickly retreating from the room. Liv felt a sick churning feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had pushed too hard. She felt tears making her eyes burn, threatening to spill over and consume her. She pushed them back; he needed her. She stood, reaching for the complimentary robe from the hotel and racing after him. She found him, hunched on the couch, rocking slightly. His shoulders were rounded, making his body look smaller, his hair product giving out and allowing strands to escape the neat swoop, brown locks falling toward his eyes. 

His head was in his hands, and she could see how close he was to breaking. She cautiously sat beside him. “Rafael,” she said softly. His shoulders shook harder at the sound of her voice. 

“Liv,” he whispered, “I swear to God, it’s not you. Please believe me.” 

“We need to talk about what’s going on,” she said softly. “I need you to be honest with me. But you need to take a few deep breaths now.” He nodded, running a shaky hand through his hair as he focused on breathing. Liv wanted to pull him into her arms, but she wasn’t sure if that would be making things worse or not. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, finally managing to look her in the eyes. The pain she saw hurt her heart. He reached for her hand, so she took his firmly, squeezing. She was only going to take what he offered. 

“ _ I’m _ sorry,” she said, reaching a hand up to keep his face turned toward hers. “I feel like I just ambushed you, and I’m sorry. I should have talked to you.” 

“You tried,” Rafael said softly. “I wouldn’t give you a straight answer. I should have talked to you. I didn’t know how, but it would have been better than this, than me hurting you and making you feel like you weren’t enough because it’s not that. I promise.” 

A new fear gripped Olivia. If it wasn’t her, what was going on? The amount of pain she saw on his face made her chest ache. She wanted to take all of it away from him and lighten whatever burden he was carrying. She was starting to wonder….but she tried to push those thoughts away as a side effect of always being on the job. He would have come to her. He had to know he could always come to her. 

“Talk to me now,” she said softly. “I’m here. I’m listening. Whatever is wrong, we’ll go through it together.” He shut his eyes, beginning to get emotional, but he nodded. He breathed in a shuddering, shaky breath. 

“Something happened,” he whispered, and her heart shattered for him. “When I was gone. And I-I’m not okay yet.” 

“You could have come to me,” she whispered, and a tear escaped his eyes, trailing its way down his cheek. His hand was clenched in his lap. He looked so much smaller than usual. 

“I hurt you,” Rafael said, his voice so raw, it hardly sounded like him. “I couldn’t hurt you more. I couldn’t take more from you, Olivia. I know how it feels. When I had to prosecute that monster--I didn’t want to put you through that, and I didn’t want to come to you just because I needed help.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked him, still holding his hand. “I’ll listen. No judgement.” He hesitated, his face crumpling, and he leaned forward into her arms, letting her hold him and shush him for a few long moments. “I’m here. Everything is going to be alright. I’ve got you, sweet man.” She rocked him until he could pull himself together. 

“I was staying in a little beat up apartment,” he said finally, wiping his eyes. “I was just starting to try and work some legal aid. I wanted to do  _ something _ . I was depressed. Worse than now. It was painful for me to get out of bed some days so I tried to numb it with alcohol and hookups. I was reckless. I was at a bar, drinking. Trying to get wasted. It was a Friday night last May, and I stumbled home from the bar after they kicked me out. I thought someone was following me.” He paused a moment, and Liv squeezed his hand gently. She didn’t want to interrupt. 

“Do you want a drink?” She asked him softly when he didn’t start up again right away. 

“Pour me some of the wine,” he whispered. He looked haunted, so Liv squeezed his arm one more time, making eye contact and hoping to calm him some. He took the glass with shaky hands, and she poured one for herself. “I felt like someone was following me, and when I turned, there was this guy. He smiled at me. I wasn’t paying enough attention. He offered to walk me home. I thought maybe he would hang around for more. I should have known something wasn’t right or maybe I wanted to hurt—to punish myself. I don’t know.” 

“Don’t say that,” Liv whispered. “You didn’t want it.” 

He grimaced, tracing a finger around the rim of his wine glass. “We made it to my apartment, and I unlocked the door and he came inside. And then it all went wrong. He hit me—punched me in the face and it stunned me. I guess he recognized me. I was dizzy and on the floor. I couldn’t protect myself. He broke my ribs and my arm. I was bruised and bloody all over. I thought he was going to leave after that. He didn’t.” 

“He recognized you?” Liv asked softly, unable to help herself. 

He looked at her with hollow eyes. “He called me a baby killer.” She closed her eyes, wishing she could take the pain away from him. She couldn’t even protect the people she loved. “I shut down. I quit trying to work. I wanted to call you. I knew you would help, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you to have to deal with my mistakes. I left you. I didn’t deserve your help.” 

“Don’t say that,” she whispered again. He took a long swallow from his glass. “You should have called. No matter what, that’s something you call me for.” 

He took another sip of his wine. “Did you report it?” Liv asked him gently. 

“I wanted to,” he said. “I-I just couldn’t. Not if it wasn’t you, and I didn’t want to bother you. Not when I caused my own problems. I went to the ER and they patched me up, and then I hunkered down in my apartment until I felt somewhat safe again.” 

“Rafael, come here,” she whispered, and he did as she asked, letting her pull him close, har hand sifting through his hair. Safe in her arms, he let himself fall apart. “I’m so sorry, Rafa. I never should have pushed you.” 

“You didn’t know,” he whispered, face still pressed against her neck. She felt him shake and squeezed harder. “I should have been honest, but I didn’t know how to come clean about it.” 

“There’s no rush for us. We can wait as long as you need,” she said gently. “Whenever you feel ready.” 

“Olivia, I  _ want _ to now, but I don’t think I can handle it. But I want you to know that I want you. You looked so beautiful back in there and you did that for me. You have no idea how much I love you,” he whispered, and Liv’s heart swelled. He knew it was important to her that he make that distinction. 

“I love you too no matter what,” she promised, kissing the top of his head. “How does a bath sound? No pressure, no expectations. Just a bubble bath. They have a jacuzzi tub that we’ll both fit in. And we have the whole weekend ahead of us to spend time together.”

“Thank you for understanding,” he whispered. “I knew you would. I knew I could tell you. A bath sounds great.” 

“Alright, you pour us more wine, and get the candles from my bag. I’m going to start us a bath and get out of this,” Liv said. 

“Hopefully sometime soon I can take it off of you myself,” he whispered, and she smiled, kissing him. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” she whispered again. “We’re in this together.” He hugged her one last time, pressing his face into her neck before going to get the things she’d asked for. Liv watched him go, her heart aching for the pain he’d been through. She couldn’t even protect him, the person she cared about most other than her son. She was just glad he’d found it in himself to tell her so that they truly could support each other. She would walk through fire for him. She knew he’d do the same. 


End file.
